Vampires and Notes
by SlytherinHippie
Summary: A collection of hilarious and crazy notes passed between the Twilight gang! Features a nutty Bella, the same old hot Edward, a sane Rosalie, Jasper the nerd, THE white vampire trash Carlisle, a perverted Aro, your favorite wolf, and Bella's pet rock Bob.
1. Randomness

**Author's Note: It's Elle J! This is my first passing-notes fanfiction between who else but the awesome Cullens! ^^ Reviews, please.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any of it's characters. I also borrowed the idea and concept of note-passing from fanfictions such as _Pens & Sharpies._**

_twilighttwilighttwilighttwilighttwilighttwilighttwilighttwilighttwilighttwilighttwilighttwilighttwilighttwilight_

Bella

_Edward_

_twilighttwilighttwilighttwilighttwilighttwilighttwilighttwilighttwilighttwilighttwilighttwilighttwilighttwilight_

Pizza!

_Bella,… erm…pizza?_

Pizza!

_Bella, honey, you're honestly scaring me._

Eddieward smells like pizza!

_And you're random._

Rand-dom? I'-I'm ra-andom?!? (Tears fall down Bella's cheek)

_(Edward gives Bella a bear hug) I'm sorry Bella. I didn't mean that. Honest to my vampire heart._

You're so sweet, Eddie. You really mean it?

_Of course I do._

Really?

_Yes._

Really, really?

_Of course._

Are you just telling me this to shut me up?

_What? No!_

Do you promise with your dead heart that you're telling the truth?

_I said yes, Bells._

Are you sure?

_(Rolls eyes) Bella, how many times are you going to ask me the same question?_

You didn't answer my question.

_Ok. Yeeessss. _

What was that?

_What was what?_

That!

_That what?_

Yeeessss.

_That was a yes._

Didn't sound like it.

_It was a yes._

It kind of sounded like a whale under water. Like that time I was at the zoo.

Edward?

_Yes?_

Have you ever been to the zoo?


	2. I ate Bella

**Bella**

_Edward_

Emmet 

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What's up guys? I'm going to join your little passing notes thangy!

_Thangy?_

Thangy. That's right. You have a problem, little bro?

_Yes I do. How about you Bella?_

**THANGY. IT RHYMES WITH MANGY. **

Hey Edward, is Bella ok?

**OOMPA LOOMPA DOO DEE DO DE. (does the willy wonka oompa loompa dance)**

Apparently not.

_Bella, dear, are you feeling well?_

**Bella is not here.**

_What do you mean?_

**I ate Bella.**

_Bella, quit fooling around. I know it is you._

**Like I said the last time: I AM THE PERSON WHO ATE BELLA.**

Hehe. (nervous laughter)

_Bella, quit it._

**Did you know Bella taste like chicken?**

_Bella! I know its you! You're right beside me!_

**Shut up. I'm logging off MSN now.**

_This isn't MSN. We 're just passing notes._

**Whatever Shemedward! (storms away)**

(laughing) Nice, Edward. You totally did it this time.

_Shut up._

What?!?

_SHUT UP! Shut up! Shut up!_

Bet I can still beat you at arm wrestling.

_I don't care! Shutupshutupshutup!!!!  
_

Aww, is Edward…crying?

_( wipes tear away) I wasn't crying._

Yes you were.

_Shuttie uppie. No I wasn't._

Yes you were. And stop with the 'shut up'. You're starting to make me believe that's the only word you know.

_Totally not!_

Totally!

_Be quiet._

No, YOU be quiet.

_Jackass._

Wackass.

_Wackass?!? What was that?!?_

It's a mixture between a wacko and ass. Get it?

_No.  
_

What? 

_No._

Quit saying no.

_No._

( throws hands in air) I'm outta here. (stalks off)

_(now alone on the couch) Oompa loompa doo dee dum doop._

_(silence) This sucks._


	3. The Scary One

**Alice**

_Edward_

Aro

_twilighttwilighttwilighttwilighttwilighttwilighttwilighttwilighttwilighttwilighttwilighttwilighttwilighttwilighttwilighttwilighttwilight_

_Sup, peoples?_

**Stop pretending to be cool, Edward.**

_Fine, be that way._

**Fine be _that_ way.**

**Stupidhead.  
**

Hey.

**Who was that?**

_That wasn't my handwriting._

**Not mine either.**

_Kinda weird._

**Yeah.**

I am 10 feet away. I'm coming closer...ooh...right behind...YOU!

**Who is writing this crap?!!**

_Seriously...who the hell is this?!?_

...

_I ain't kidding around!_

Brrr. I hate when people, or vampires, use the word ain't. It's like they're trying to be cool even if they aren't.

_(irritated) Hey!_

It reminds me when I was at the beach and the ice cream guy at the stand told me something and he said ain't. Ain't, ain't, ain't. It tickles my nerves to a frenzy. I smacked the ice cream out of his hands and it went flying, flying...off into the ocean...floating, and just......melting. Melting...like I've never seen before. Melting to a puddle...then dissolving in the vast ocean. I never saw that ice cream again.

_..._

**...**

_..._

_No offense_ _but you're seriously freaking me out._

**Uh huh.**

**...**

**Awkward silence.**

**You know.**

**Just...awkward.  
**

_Okay._

_Hmmm._

_Can you just, like, reveal yourself?_

_Um, please?_

_Are you still there?_

(jumping from behind Edward) It's Aro!

(at the same time) **A**_r_**o**_?_**!**_?_

**What the heck are you doing here Aro?**

I was bored so i decided to stop by. If it's ok with you.

**Uh, we're kinda enemies.**

Really? I didn't know that.

_Yeah...we kinda are._

**Yep.**

_Uh huh._

Sorry for scaring you guys.

**Ok.**

Hey, I just got an idea!

_?_

Why don't we all go skinny dipping...together! In your hot tub, Alice?

_!!!_

_I have to go. There's a tornado coming tommorow and i have to evacuate._

In Forks???

_Bye!_

So Edward...what can we do together?

_(pops knuckles nervously)_

Hey! Why don't we dress each other in dresses! Maybe even skirts! It'll be fun, trust me! Me and Caius do it all the time.

_(points frantically to the window) Look out!!! Hurricane. _

(Looks out the window) Where? I don't see a hurricane.

_(runs for his life)_

(turns back) So where were we? Ahhh, the dresses. So what do you think compliments...Edward?


	4. Bella's Pet Rock Bob

Disclaimer: I do not own Beavis and Butthead.

**Bella**

_Carlisle_

Rosalie

twilighttwilighttwilighttwilighttwilighttwilighttwilighttwilighttwilighttwilighttwilighttwilighttwilighttwilighttwilighttwilight

Hey Bells, I'm joining your little note passing charade. Is it fine with you?

**Yeppers.**

_Here is daddy._

Carlisle? Shouldn't you have better things to do than pass notes with your kids?

_Nope._

Why?

_I got fired at the hospital.  
_

Why?

_Cause I got fired._

_WHY?_

_Cause I need TP for my bunghole._

Carlisle! Once again, why?

_Cause you're stupid._

Excuse me?!?

_You're a stupid cupid, Rose. You smell like rose bushes._

Quit it dad. You're starting to sound like Bella. No offense.

_I take that as an insult!_

**Hey!**

Sorry Hells Bells.

_You are super rude, you know that, Rose that smells like toes? At least i respected Aro when he came over._

What do you mean?

_Aro and I had a HUGE water balloon right! Afterwards we dressed up in Esme's dresses. Then we swam with the dolphins. I can't believe you guys refused to go skinny dipping with him._

But dad...

_Hmmm?_

That's just...wrong...You catch my drift? I mean, seriously, skinny dipping with...

_Bye! I have to go!  
_

Dad?

Hello?

That was strange, right Bella Samonella?

**I got a pet yesterday.**

A pet? What kind?

**What do you mean, Rose thorn?**

Like a dog, fish...

**A rock.**

Rock?

???

Bella...

**Yeah! And his name is Bob.**

Bella, honey...you know rocks aren't alive?

**SHUT UP!**

?What?

**DON'T SAY THAT! BOB IS A REAL PET! HE IS ALIVE!!! (bangs fists on table)  
**

Jeesh, incrediBella.

**Bob is real**. **(emotionally) Real. Real. Real I tell you. He moved an inch yesterday from point A to B. How can you explain that?**

Bella, I'm sorry to tell you but Bob is not alive. He's a rock.

**(temper tantrum) NO! NO,NO,NO,NO,NO!!! HE IS ALIVE! BOB TALKED TO ME YESTERDAY...HE TOLD ME ALL ABOUT HIS LIFE AS A ROCK!!! HE'S ALIVE I TELL YOU!!! ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

(hurriedly) Ok, Soulja Boy Bell 'em, I'm sorry. I was wrong. I'm really sorry.

**(happily) Okay!**

**Where should I put him? Would he like the master bedroom? Or the kitchen so he can have something to snack on? Or do you think he would be lonely? In my room, perhaps?**

I really don't know, Smella.

**Bob told me he likes cars. Should I put him on top of your car?**

My..what?!? Not my car, definitely not. Not my BMW.

**Really? Cause I already put him there!**

What? (looks out window and sees a crater size rock on top of BMW, the roof already caved in) AHHHHHH! (screams)

**Bob told me he likes it there.**

No!!! EEEEEKKKKK! MY CAR!!! (runs out door)

**Don't you love Bob, Rosalie? I know I do!**


	5. Annoyingness on the Car Ride

Citations:

**Bella**

_Edward_

Jasper

twilightrockstwilightrockstwilightrockstwilightrockstwilightrockstwilightrockstwilightrockstwilightrocks

_(driving the Aston Martin with Bella in the passenger seat and Jasper in the back)_

**HEY EDWARD! WHAT'S UP?**

_(jumps in seat) Woah Bella, you scared me._

**What's up?**

_I'm really not in the mood for passing notes. _

**Why?**

_I have a headache and I'm just not feeling right._

**Why?**

_Bella, please not now..._

**(bristles) WHY?**

_'Cause I'm not feeling well._

**(smiles) Ok.**

**Eddie Weddie his bed, are we there yet?**

_No._

**Are we there yet now?**

_No, Bell fell in the Well._

**How about...NOW!**

NO! Bella, can't you see we're not there yet?!?

**Shut up Jazzie, no one likes you. Not even Bob.**

Who's Bob?

_(embarrassed) Bob is Bella's...pet rock._

(laughs) Wow, Bella's really loony.

_(slaps hand to forehead) Jasper, you really shouldn't have said that._

Why?

**HOW DARE YOU CALL ME LOONY?!? (screaming) YOU'RE ARE LOONY JASPER HALE!!! I AM NOT LOONY. NO! NO! NO!!!  
**

(hurriedly) Ok, ok I'm loony. I'm loony.

**(happy again) Ok, I'm fine now. Jazzie's loony. I'm not. He he. **

(minutes pass and then...)

**What's inside of a volcano, Schmedward?**

_Where did that come from? _

**Is it lava? Is it? Is it?!?**

_Yes Hells Bells._

**I got it right! I'm smart!  
**

_Yes you did, Bath and Bella Works. No more questions, ok?  
_

**Can a person fall up a stairs?  
**

_Can you stop Bella? I have this bad headache and...  
_

**No. Does Batman like to cook? Because I do. Me and Bob like to make mud pies from the backyard. We love it when Esme runs out screaming at us for tearing her garden apart! It's so fun!**

Bella, seriously...

**Wait, I got a good one...Who would win? A rollie pollie or Superman? And if the rollie pollie did, would the people be mad at him and crush him?  
**

_Stop it._

**Are there more brown dogs or blonde dogs in the world? Can turtles play the piano? 'Cause I swear I saw one on the accordian.  
**

_Quit it now._

**Can ghosts go to jail? And what if you're on an island and you drive your car over the speedlimit in the state you live in, can the island police arrest you even if you're not in the States? Huh? Huh?**

Bella!!! Shut up!

**Would you rather eat fried chicken or garbage? Answer me. If you had a million dollars, would you keep it or throw it in the trash? And what is another word for thesaurus?  
**

_B_e_l_l_a, _s_h_u_t _t_h_e _h_e_l_l_u_p! (together)

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**Are we there yet?  
**


	6. Who's Hot and Who's Not? Round 1

**Bella**

Emmet

_Jasper_

Alice

twilightrockstwilightrockstwilightrockstwilightrockstwilightrockstwilightrockstwilightrockstwilightrockstwilightrocks

(sits down at Esme's antique table, the other taking their seats as well)

Everyone! Listen up! We're going to play a round of Who's Hot and Not?!? But this time passing notes!

_(gloomily) Why? We should be studying._

**You're no fun, Jasper stepped on a Nale! No one likes you so go away!**

Bella! That's no way to behave! Now, shall we start?

**No. Go away Alice. One day I will shave your head and you shall have no more spikes. Haha. You are doomed.  
**

Shut up Bella.

_How do you play this game?_

I name who's hot and who's not!

(fake coughing)

Oh, and the others too.

_(sarcastically) That's really fun.  
_

**Shut up Jasper. You're boring.**

_And you're annoying._

EVERYONE! Just shut up for a second.

(turns to Emmet) Emmet...you are...

(drumroll) HOT!

(jumps up) YEAH! TAKE THAT! WHO'S THE HOTTIE NOW?!?

_Emmet is just conceited and two faced. He rather think higher of himself than of other people. He is not hot._

(walks up to Jasper) Oh really? You want to start something?

_Bring it._

You think you have to moves to outdo me? Huh? Huh?

_Hell yeah. You're not the one who served in the civil war._

Just watch me pull out that hair that looks like it got styled by lightning. Just watch me.

_It surprises me that you can think of such disses since your brain is no bigger than your muscles._

Boys! Stop it!

Okay, for Bella's turn -

Bella?

Where did she go?

Who cares?

Ok, for Jasper...(drumroll)

_Me?_

Yeah, stupid.

And...Jasper...is...

NOT!!!

What?!? 

This games is stupid anyway. I'm going in my room to write an essay for fun. Bye.

_SORE LOSER!_

**(comes back and sets Bob the rock on the table) Bob wants to play.**

(frowning) Bob is a rock Bella. He can't play.

**(throws a fit) NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!! (wails) BOB DIDN'T ASK TO BE CALLED LIFELESS! HAVE SOME DAMN RESPECT!!! **

Okay, okay Bella Nutella! We'll do Bob.

Hehe.

What?

I said 'We'll do Bob.'

**You're disgusting.**

Bob is...he is...(smiles)...is...hmmm...what could Bob be?...

Get a move on Alice. The people reading this are getting a little ticked off.

HOT!!!

**(gleefully claps) Go Bob!!! I knew you would win! (has a silent conversation with Bob) What?...No! Butter is not lower in fat than Nutella...Yes, Britney is in rehab once again...I'm telling you you're handsome! Just look, those smooth yet rocky surfaces and sexy gray minerals(shivers)...Yes!...I'm hungry, you? You want a Big Mac?...Duh! That's why Alice picked you! Sometimes I swear you're so stupid you're not even alive...I saw this pit bull skateboarding once. You have got to tell me about that parrot that flew into the toilet!...Yeah it's true, I find you hotter than Edward sometimes...**

Okay...moving on.

Kinda weird.

We better scatter.

Yep. But hold on! Since we're going to play Who's Hot and Not again in the future, I would like to take a vote from our readers.

Readers? You mean people are reading this thang?

Maybe. But all they have to do is say who they think should win and who should lose!

Oh I get it.

Sure you do.


	7. Pranking Around

**Bella**

Jacob

_Emmet_

Rosalie

_twilightroxtwilightrox__twilightroxtwilightrox__twilightroxtwilightrox__twilightroxtwilightrox_

_Hey my man, Jake._

_Or wolf._

_Whatever._

Yo, Emmet. What's cooking up in your world?

_I want to play prank. (quietly) On Bella. _

What kind of prank, homeboy?

_A sweet ass prank._

What is it, homeskittle diddle?

_You'll see._

_I feel so naughty. He he._

_Promise you'll go along with it._

Okay, playa.

_(calls) Bella!_

**You should know Emmet the frog that when you're calling someone with notes, they can't hear. (smugly) I even know that. **

_I'm a frog now?_

**Yes you are a frog. (pinches Emmet's cheeks and coos) Froggie Doggie. Emmetie isie froggie. Froggie I lovie.**

Weirdie.

**Oh Jakie! You're here!**

I am.

**You have to help me sort all the wonderful umbrellas in our house in colors. I already have all the red and blues. Then we can cut holes in the umbrellas and stick toilet paper tubes through them. What do you say, smelly dog?**

Uhhh...(looking away)...not now, Pooh Bear.

_(buts in) Bella! Oh Bella!_

**What froggie?!?**

_It's...(chokes over sob)...horrible! _

**Mr. Frog, tell me what is horrible! (emotionally)**

_No...NO!_

**Emmet, what is it? Did Alice fall down the well? Did Rosalie's hair get stuck in her hairdryer? Did Edward kiss a man? Oh, please tell me!**

_(stifles a laugh) No, Isabella...something much, much, much, much more horrible. I can't even begin to describe it._

**Did Carlisle die his hair black? Did Esme cuss some human out at a dance off? What, frog?**

_It's Bob. He...(tears pour down cheeks)...he...died!!!_

**(quiet for a second) ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................**

**.............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................**

**.............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................**

**...............................................................................NO!!! BOB!!! WOAH! WHAT?! WHEN?!? WHERE?!? WHY?!? WHICH?!? WILLY WONKA?!? WINDOW?!? WELL?!? WANTED?!? WTICH?!? WALL?!? (sobs) NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! PLEASE!!! NO!!!!!!!! THIS CAN'T BE!!!**

**Wait. How do I know you're telling the truth?**

_(fake crying) Look..(holds up fake newspaper)..Here's his obituary._

**(grabs the paper and begins reading)**

**--------------------------------------------  
**

** Bob E. Rock (****10,000 B.C. - 2009)**

Mr. Bob Rocjkl, a verry cool person of Forks, Washingtan, died in Spoon, Washingtan one week ago he fell off a clliff and and roll down th rocke terain until he breaking into many pieces and stuffs becase he are not careful / so hear is his obituery so yea :( below is a saying/thingy by the hot vampire Edwerd Coolen

_I wood like to remembar Mr. Rock cuz he was nice and stuff i don't know what to say he was nice i guess, i don't know, why the helll are you askang me?_

Hear is something/thingy by Aliss Coolen, below

_Bob was stupid i hate him! he thiknks he so cool, strutting his stuff. he wus alzo very sexy, haha, okay, but he wus meen cuz he never talked to me and he never moved, that b****** okay that he wanted something so i got it him but he allways through it away and cuss me out like heck so i got mad at him when he colared on my hare with pink markers and on the walls so esmay went nuts like the kind uf nutts a sqirrel eets bye _

Mai we remembar Bobie, even if he nevar seemmed to tallk and move, as the saim heartlass persan wi al hate

**The End**

**-----------------------------------------**

**It's true!!! (breaks down) True. Poor Bob. NO!!!**

(reads paper) Where did you learn your grammar Emmet?

_Shut up! _

**What was that suppose to mean?**

Nothing! 

**(goes on mourning) It's...just...so...sad...sadder...saddest...Bob was my bestest friend the whole wide world! He was there when Schmedward left me for that chick Seattle!**

_Uh Bella, that's not a person, that's a place. And he didn't leave you. He just had to pick up some pizza from the Dominos there._

**Really? Oh.**

**Hold on brother.**

_What?_

**The paper said Bob died a week ago! I played Barbie with him yesterday. So that's a total of...(counts on fingers)...hold on....wait....hmm...three days that he was alive after his death!**

Actually, it would be six days.

**Okay, six. So how could he have been here if he was dead?**

_Ugh..._

**Hmmm?**

_Are you sure you weren't playing with his zombie?_

**(freaks out) ZOMBIE?!? I was playing with a rock zombie?!? ARE YOU TELLING ME BOB CLIMBED OUT OF HIS GRAVE TO PLAY 'IF I WERE A FAMOUS PERSON' WITH ME?!? You know lipstick doesn't go well with rocks. Seriously, when I tried to put some on Bob, my lipstick was totally destroyed by the time I got to the other side of his mouth.**

Hey guys, what's up?

Hey Rosie.

**ROSALIE!!!!!!!!!!!**

Bella? What's wrong?

**You have to order the flowers and a small casket!**

Why?

**Didn't you hear? (whispers) Bob...died.**

You mean that stupid rock? Bella, he's a rock. A rock is a rock. He can't die. He's a rock.

**Says you.**

I'm smart.

**No you're not.**

Yes I am.

**No.  
**

**CAN'T YOU SEE I'M GOING THROUGH A VERY EMOTIONAL TIME RIGHT NOW?!?!?! I LOST A ROCK WHO MEANT A LOT TO ME! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!! HOW DARE YOU MAKE ME MAD!!!**

Hey Bella.

**(angrily) What?**

The ice cream truck is outside.

**(happily) Really? **

**(runs out door) Yahhh! **

(turns to Jacob and Emmet) So I hear Bob is a zombie. How's that going for you guys?


	8. Bedward & Toilet Paper

Emmet

**Bella**

_Edward_

_twilightisawesometwilightisawesometwilightisawesometwilightisawesometwilightisawesome_

_Hey, Dooney and Bella._

**Hello Eddicakes!**

_?_

**I'm BellaSamonellacakes. Rosalie is Rosetoescakes. Emmet is frogcakes. Jasper is Jazzbandcakes. Alice is spikycakes. (giggling) You see?**

_(just stares)_

**Edward?**

_Yes?_

**When are we going to play Who's Hot and Who's Not? I really liked that game. It was so stupid!**

_Soon. Now that the reader's votes are in, we're going to decide with a dice who wins based on their choices._

**Readers? People are reading this?!? I wonder what they think of our conversations.**

_They probably think we're a bunch of losers that have nothing better to do than pass notes in our eternity of existence._

**Or they think we're secret rockstars like Hannah Montana. (gasps) Uh oh. They know our secret. The vampire one.  
**

_The whole world knows our secret. Ever since that chick Stephanie Meyer released a whole series just on us.  
_

**Coolio! (munches)**

_Bella, what are you eating?_

**Nothing.**

_I hear you eating like a cow. Now what is it?_

**None of your business.**

_Answer me._

**Nosy pants. **

_(sees chocolate) M&M's? Bella..._

**What?!?**

_You know what happens when you eat M&M's._.

**No I don't. Wait. Do I turn into a superhero? (excitedly)**

_No._

**What do ya mean?!?!? I went hopping like the energizer bunny last time and then crash landed on Esme's antique table and broke it in half!!! You don't call that a superpower?**

_Bella, you are truly clueless._

**Clueless. That remind me of that game Clue. Emmet lost so he ripped the board in shreds and flushed them down the toilet. That reminds me of that really, really nasty toilet in Port Angeles that was in the movie theater. And that reminds me of when we saw that movie _Brokeback Mountain_ and -- **

_Bella! Just chill!!!_

**Hold you unicorns, Anthony!**

_Anthony?_

**Yeah. That's your name isn't it?**

_My name is Edward._

**But your middle name is Anthony.**

_I don't like to be called Anthony. It just doesn't...suit me. You know?_

**No.**

_(a little impatiently) Well, call me Edward._

**Anthony.**

_Edward._

**Anthony.**

_Edward._

**Anthony freaking Cullen.**

_Edward freaking Cullen._

**Anthony's Pizza.**

_EDWARD._

**Anthony the Panthony Cullen. **

_Oh yeah? Oh yeah?!? (tries to be gangsta)  
_

**???!!!**

_Bella MARIE!!! MARIE!!! Marie. Spelled M-A-R-I-E. How do you like that now, huh? What now? What now?!?  
_

**What the hell was that?!? (falls to the ground laughing) That was the LAMEST comeback in all of vamp history. It clearly wasn't related to ANYTHING we were talking about.**

_Who's being the smartazz now? (raises his hands) You know what, just be quiet. You, Isabella Marie Swan, just pissed off the hot, golden eyed, and crooked smile guy, EDWARD Cullen._

**Fine. Be that way.  
**

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**I'm mad at you.**

_I am too._

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**Bob thinks you're ugly.**

_I don't give a crap what Bob thinks._

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**This sucks. Do you just want to be not mad at each other again?**

_Yeah. (relieved) I do._

(share a hug and a quick peck on cheeks)

_Bella, dear, you are my swan in a sparkling lake._

**And you are my moonlight in the California sunny sky.**

_??_

**Hey.**

_What dear?_

**Emmet was a meanie.**

_For doing what?_

**He played a prank on me yesterday! And I fell for it!**

_So totally you._

**So...**

_(stares) Bella...what did you do?_

**(laughs loudly) Nothing too severe. He'll survive.**

_Bella!_

**What?!? So what if I wrapped him in toilet paper like a mummy while he was asleep?**

_BELLA!_

**What did I do?**

_(just groans)_

**Oooh.**

_(exasperatingly) What?_

**I think the M&M's are kicking in. **

**I want to be Spider Man today. I want to fly through the house and climb on the walls.**

_Oh god no._

**Spider Man it is!**

_You will be Iron__ Man, Bella._

**Yahhh! What does he do?**

_He sits on the floor like a piece of iron. The End._

**Awww. That's no fun.**

**Hey, but how about that part when he breaks through a wall of rock and shoots fire from a flamethrower? Can I do that? Please, please?**

_(open mouthed) No!!!!!! You certainly cannot. _

**Ergawhmaseean! Purr lika Kittia!!! (wild)**

_I think the M&M's are doing their "magic". Just what I freaking need.  
_

**(jumps up and down) JUMPERIERMEEEER!!!**

_Bella, please just calm down..._

**(frantic) NO! MO! CHO! WOAH!**

_..._

**M! &! M'S! WANTIE...MORE!!!!!!**

**-----------------------------------------------**

One hour later.

--------------------------------------------------------

**CHICKA CHIACK WANG DANG.**

_Bella! Get down from the ceiling!!! Now!_

**OKEE DOKEE. (jumps down) WOOOH!!!**

**...**

**Hi Edward!**

_Bella? You're back! Thank goodness._

**Yep.**

_Promise me you won't eat fifteen bags of M&M's again._

**I promise to myself. He he. **

(From down the hallway, Emmet enters through the door, covered from head to toe with toilet paper)

**Emmie's awake.**

(muffled) Ge mu owt uf is tolet papa!

**Sorry Emmie the Froggers, it's payback.**

Chut up, 'Ella. (walks blindly around) 

**What was that, Frog? I'm sorry but I can't help you if you are going to mumble. It's not a good habit.**

(angry) Wer da 'ell r yoo 'Ella?!? 

**What did you say, Frog? I don't think I can understand your nonsense.**

(walks into the wall) Crap, supid woll. I can nat bweac owt uf dis tolet papa. Wha de heck.

_(rolling his eyes) She wrapped you around like a thousand times with toilet paper. Emmet, I swear you can sleep through anything._

I giv up. (collapes on floor) Yoo win 'Ella.

**(faces Edward) The only thing sweeter than you Eddiecakes is revenge. Sweet, sweet revenge.**

I fill lik a mumme.

**You are a mummy! You're wrapped up in stuff and you're also the living dead! Duh! **

Onc I git owt of dis...

_Keep on wishing Emmet._

**(winks at Edward) Hey Edward, I'm hugreee. Want to go to Subway?**

_(joins in 'joke') Sure Bells. Emmet, you want to come_?

Yeees, plwez.

_What was that?_

Dat wez a yeees.

_I'm sorry but I can't make out your words. I'll just take that for a no._

No!

_Oh, you said no? Okay, let's go Bella._

(Edward and Bella run out the door)

Noo! I meent yeees! 

Guys?

R yoo dar?

Helloo?!?

(sighs) 

I 'ate yoo guys.


	9. Emoticon Wars

**Bella**

_Alice_

Emmet

_twilightnewmooneclipsebreakingdawntwilightnewmooneclipsebreakingdawntwilightnewmooneclipsebreakingdawn_

**Oooh, look!**

_What is it?_

**:D Smiley face!**

_(rolls eyes) How cute._

Hey peeps, how 'bout this chapter only consist of emoticons? And whoever runs out of emoticons is the one who gets kicked off! And then the final two people play against each other and the first to run out loses and the remaining vamp wins! :P

_Chapter? People are reading this?_

**Yeppers, I saw this person digging in our trash and taking all of our shredded up notes with them. I heard them mumbling something about 'Fanfiction.' Hehe, whatever that is.**

_Okay._

So what do you say?

_The emoticons thing sounds stupid. It makes us seem like we don't really have a life._

(cough,cough) 

_What was that?!?_

Nothing, nothing.

We still should do the emoticons game...or should I call it Emoticon Wars...starting right...NOW!

**:D**

:P

_This is so stupid.._

**SHHH! No talking!**

_Fine...xD_

XD

_What the heck?! I already did that!_

Nope, mine has the capital x, yours doesn't.

_That's so cheating!_

**Be quiet Alice! You're being rude.**

_(grumbles)_

**:)**

_:]_

e.e 

_What the hell is that?_

**Watch your language, Miss! And shut your trap!**

**o.o'**

_38* _

_It's a cow._

**We know that! Now shut up!**

D:

**;)**

_:O_

:3

**:E **

_Is that a...vampire? They have a vampire emoticon? WTF._

**If you say something one more time...**

_O:)_

Ah crap...

**Can't think of any?**

Um..um..yeah...I mean --

**OUT! (turns to Alice) It's just you and me. Bring all that you got.**

_I will bring it. May the fish be with you._

_(:)_

**:-I**

_:-/_

**8-)**

_8-(_

**Cheater.**

_Who's the one talking now?!?_

**:-***

_:-&_

**-0_0-...****Take that!**

_(thinking) hmmm..._

**5-4-3-2-1-**

_(_) Ohhh! Who's hot now? Who's hot?_

**I am. (^o^)**

_(0_)_

**Hmmm....**

_5-4-3-2-1-_

**I GOT ONE!**

_?_

**(looks away) It's..eh...um...UM!...it's...**

_I won! (hands in air) Yeah!_

**(angrily) Whatever. I'll beat you next time.**

_Take that Bella. How does it feel to..lose?_

Don't get a big head now, Alice.

**I hate this game anyway. When are we going to play Who's Hot and Who's Not? **

Super soon. (turns to you) So vote now while you have the chance!

_I won, I won, I won!!!_

_This is the bestest note ever! People reading this will be inspired to play Emoticon Wars all day long!_

**Enough, Alice.**

_Hey, you never know, Emoticon Wars might turn into an Olympic event! (reads future) Woah..wait, it will be!  
_

**Okay now. You're starting to freak me out.**

_(closing eyes) In the future, I see...that people will be so inspired by the greatness of emoticons, the thousand upcoming reviews for this story will be FILLED with them!_

Alice...just..please..

**Shut up Alice! You're making me mad!**

_I WON!_

**(runs up stairs) I'm telling Esme!**

Alice, Alice.

_What?!? I'm just happy, that's all._

(chuckles) Haha.

_It was so easy. I predicted what Edward was going to think._

What was he thinking?

_He was reading Bella's thoughts, the ones about the emoticons. So I just...'borrowed' them._

You cheated!

_You can always bet on Alice._


	10. Who's Hot and Who's Not? Round 2

**Bella**

_Edward_

_**Rosalie**_

Alice

Emmet

_Twilight!Twilight!Twilight!Twilight!Twilight!Twilight!Twilight!Twilight!Twilight!Twilight!Twilight!Twilight!_

We are going to play round two of Who's Hot and Who's Not!

**Yeah!!! (pats Bob on 'back) You're gonna beast Bob! Beast all dem vamps! (pumps arm) I'm ready to do this thang!**

I see we have some very motivated players in this round of our little classic game.

Yeah, yeah. Get a move on.

Rosalie, isn't this your first time playing Who's Hot and Who's Not?

_**Yes it is, Alice. I hope to win.**_

_Excuse me? (ruffles gorgeous hair) Look at this. Yes, at this. The whole world loves me. (turns to you, the reader) You just think I'm so irresistible, don't you? (waits) Hmm? Don't you think so?…Don't cha? DON'T CHA?!?!?_

Now, now, let's not get angry at our readers.

_They're not answering!_

(rolls eyes) They can't really answer. But I'm sure if they were in the same room, they would be wildly cheering for you.

_(calms down) Yes, they would. With pompons and cheerleading outfits. Yes, they would._

(awkwardly) Okay, now. Moving on.

_**I can't wait to start the game! I'm sure I'll win.**_

**(puts hands protectively over Bob) No, you won't. I won't let you. Bob will. Or me. You're ugly, Rose Toes. **

(stands macho in front of Bella) Take that back you –

**(smugly) You what?**

You brown eyed, little…scary…annoying…little –

**You already said little.**

Did I?

**Yes.**

(scratches head) Oh.

If you guys can't behave, I'll have to boot you out.

**No. I'm going to be going to my job interview in a few minutes so what's the whole point of behaving?**

Job interview?

_Don't ask._

Let's play the game shall we? Our readers are getting a little tired of this rambling. Or are they?

_I'm sure they're sick of it._

So, here's the deal. We have received some votes from our readers –

_**Readers? People are reading this thang?**_

Once again, YES! Where was I? Oh..from our readers and I have tallied up the numbers. (holds up tally sheet) The winnings all lie on this paper.

(all stare hungrily at sheet)

Let's start.

Thank God.

And for... Jasper!

NOT! I knew it! I knew it!

I didn't even say anything, Emmet.

**The frog.**

The frog?

**Emmet's a frog. Didn't you know that?**

(frowns) Well, no…

Anyway, Jasper, my lovely hubbie, is…

(drumroll)…HOT!!!

HUH?

(tears up) My husband…won! (^^)

**Oompa Loompa Do Do Dee Doop.**

Jasper?!? WTF!

_**Him? You've got to be kidding me.**_

_Come one guys. Have some decency. You have to admit there is some sexiness behind that smoking intellect._

**Woah.**

Okay…

_**Yep.**_

Wow.

_(blushes) I mean –I –I— I would think that if I were a chick._

Sure you would.

_(embarrassed) Guys! Stop!_

**(laughing) We're just kidding, Eddiekinds! We don't really think you're secretly in love with Jasper! (turns mysterious) Or do we?**

Back to the game!

Rosalie's turn! She is –

Yeah, go Rose! Wooo!

(glares at Emmet) For Rosalie. She is –

_**I can feel it! I'm gonna win! **_

…NOT!!!

What?!?

The votes say so. I'm sorry Rose.

You take that back.

_**(speechless)…WHAT?!? I LOST?!? YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!**_

Rose –

_**I'm not believing this! NO! NO! (points at tally sheet) Give me that!!!!!!**_

(hugs tally sheet to chest) No. Game rules.

_(restraints a struggling Rosalie) Chill. Just…calm down. _

**(stops struggling) What?…**

_Clam down and relax. Everything is okay. _

_**(closes eyes)…I'm okay…I'm fine…Just fine. The wind is blowing. Calmly..The earth is spinning…round and round..on a tilt, the dolphins are swimming gracefully, the birds are chirping up in the trees, the butterflies are flying across the sky, the cats are digesting all the mice…everything is okay.**_

**Ew.**

_**What?**_

**The cats are digesting all the mice? **

Hold your horses everybody. Hold 'em. Bob is going next.

**Drumroll!**

(silence)

**I SAID DRUMROLL!**

(nervous drumroll)

We have here –

For some lifeless rock.

-- one vote for Not..

…and THREE votes for Hot!!!

**WOOOH! I knew you could do it Bob! I just knew it! (cheers and claps hands excitedly, does a back handspring)  
**

_(laughs) Congrats Bob. People love you more than me!…Maybe._

I don't think so, Edward, the whole world is still hung up on you.

_(shrugs innocently) I can't help looking fine._

We know.

Now for Bella…

Uh oh.

She is…

I'm sorry Bella, but you got one vote only. And that vote was for…NOT!!!

**NOOO!!! **

I knew it.

_**It's okay, Bella. I know how you feel. :s  
**_

**How can this be?! Look at my swirling brown hair and deep brown eyes and tell me I'm not attractive.**

You're not attractive.

**You're not suppose to say that! You're suppose to say I am. (sobs) At least Bob won.**

Don't take it took hard on yourself Bella. Maybe next time our readers will vote Hot for you. You never know.

**Okay. (wipes eyes)**

Here we go again. For Edward.

(plays Jaws music) What's it going to be? What's it gonna be?!? How does the king of Hotness rate with our readers?

Actually…

…it's a TIE!

**A tie?**

A tie?

_**Oh my gosh. A tie?**_

_That's impossible. Everyone thinks I'm hot. ;)  
_

**Too bad, so sad.**

_At least I didn't lose. Like you._

**Hey, you want to start something?**

Enough!

My Hot Pockets are almost done warming up, we need to finish this game.

For Jacob and me.

**Why both of you, peoples?**

'Cause we both got the same number of votes in the same category.

Lemme guess…NOT?

No, HOT!

**Woooh! Go Alice! It's your birthday!**

Thank you, thank you. (bows) (:-B

_(grumbles)_

Emmet?

Yes?

Do you want to guess yours?

Hot.

(sighs) Sadly…yes. (:-{

Yes! 

Take that! 

You think yo so hot but yo not. ;-)

Heck yeah.

Working out pays off, baby! I'm a body of pure muscle. Now that's Hot. 

Oh yeah.

You want me...(runs off)..but ya can't have me!

**(rolls eyes at Emmet) Okay, are we done?**

Yes!

**Can we play again sometime in the future, Al Liss?**

Sure. So vote!

**(turns to you) Can you pleez vote Hot for me? (puppy dog eyes) You can't resist the Bella. (0.0)**

Lol, Bella.

**Yaaahhh! I love you. :) **

Who doesn't? :DDD


	11. The Vamp Daddy

_Author's Note: Thanks a bunch to those who reviewed. I would not be on this chapter if it weren't for them. :D_

**Bella**

_Edward_

Carlisle

Esme

_youknowyoulovetwilightyouknowyoulovetwilight__youknowyoulovetwilightyouknowyoulovetwilight__youknowyoulovetwilightyouknowyoulovetwilight_

_Hey Bells, where did you go? You've been gone for hours. We had Jacob running like a crazy mutt around the forest searching for you._

**I called Tanya. :D **

_Why?_

'**Cause I had to tell Tanya that she lost at Who's Hot and Who's Not! We forgot to tell her!**

_(shakes head) And what happened?_

**She screamed for over a minute in the phone and I heard her snap it in half! You think we should invite her over for the cookout next week?**

_Maybe not._

**What did I do?!**

_I swear sometimes you're more clueless than Bob._

**Hehe. (waves hand) Wait. I also went to my job interview today. It was fun!**

_Job interview?_

**Yeppers. I mentioned it in the last note. **

_Oh…that. For what job?_

**To be a surgeon.**

_(spits out coffee) What the heck? You've only completed high school! And only Carlisle is allowed to work at those kinda jobs! What the heck happened?_

**We passed notes.**

_Passed notes?_

**Yeah. I told him, I do 'better' that way.**

_And he passed notes with you?_

**After many arguments, yes.**

**Here, I have it. (gives it to Edward)**

_(reads it)_

_--------------------------- --------------------------------------------------------------_

**My name is Chickadee Tokens. What yours?**

David Smith, Miss..eh…Tokens. May I ask again why we have to pass notes?

**Because I am a vampire.**

Excuse me?

**Just kidding.**

**Maybe.**

Can we please get on with the interview?

**Okee Dokee.**

Why do you want to become a surgeon?

**I live by the saying, 'Believe in yourself and anything is possible.' The rest is self-explanatory. **

I..see.

Can you give me a brief summary of your education?

**Kindergarten…and…hmmm…let's see…half of first grade. Do I qualify?**

Are you joking with me?

**No, sir.**

Stop kidding around. I'm serious, Miss Tokens.

**:P**

?

**:P**

Stop doing that.

**:P**

**:P**

**:P**

**:P**

**:P**

**:P**

**:P**

**:P**

**:P**

**:P**

**:P**

**:P**

**:P**

**:P**

**:P**

Quit it!

**You take all the party out of this note, you party pooper.**

(glares at Bella) Have you attended college?

**Does Clown College count?**

What? Medical School, then?

**Medical my azz.**

(gasps) Miss! That is no way to behave on an interview!

**You know what? (throws hands in air) I'm just a highschooler with nothing better to do than prank you. Haha. You've just been punk'd.**

(slams hand on table) You mean you were just making this up?!?

**Yep.**

I…I…I can't believe this. How dare you do this to me?

**This is getting boring. I'll be going home now.**

(angrily) Please do that!

**I'm going to clean out the doggy bones Jacob always hides under the couch. Bye.**

GO! Just go!

**(opens office door) Bi-otch.**

What did you say to me?

**Screw you.**

(throws hand us in air) You are fuc –

------------------------------------------------ -----------------------------------------------

_(stares at note) I can't believe you did that. You really did it this time, Bells. (shakes head) What did he say at the end?_

**Mr. Smith said whole-lot of R rated words. That's all I'm sayin'.**

Hey you silly kids!

**ESME!**

_Oh, hey mom. What's up?_

Just joining your note passing charade to ask a tiny question.

_Sure, fire away._

You know where Carlisle is? He's been acting weird lately…getting fired at the hospital and all.

**I know where he is!**

Where, Bella?

**Right…(anticipation)**

_Yes?_

**BEHIND YOU!**

(Esme and Edward jump at Carlisle, dressed in a stained white T-shirt, striped boxers, and foamy flip-flops.)

_What…the…hell._

(drunkenly) What's up my b*&^%$#?

Carlisle Cullen! Stop using that language at once!

No…hoe. 

**Whoa Carlisle! You're so…**

What? White trash? (angrily) Were you about to say that?!? Huh?!? Well you better shut your damn mouth…(cusses)

**No, I was about to say 'different'.**

Shut the hell up. I'm going to go drink beer with Quil now. Be back in a week.

(goes off)

Carlisle, Carlisle. He's changed. (looking around) Where's Renesmee? I have to give her cell back.

**(curiously) Who…is…Renesmee?**

_(astonished) You..don't know Renesmee?_

**No.**

She doesn't?!

_Bella, she's…_

**Yes?**

…_your daughter._

**DAUGHTER! I have a daughter?!? Me? The person who gets hypie off of M&M's?! **

_Yes. (shows Bella picture of Renesmee) Were you kidding? You didn't really forget the whole horrificBreaking Dawn birth scene..did you?_

**(ignores Edward and points at picture) That's Renesmee? Huh…I kinda expected her to resemble more Indian instead of pure white. But I guess that's how genes work.**

_(confusedly and shocked) What's that suppose to mean?!_

**Well, duh, since Jacob's the father, it would be…**

_(!!!) JACOB?!?!?!?!?_

**(sheepishly) Yeah.**

_No, no, no. NO! I AM the father. Not Jacob._

**(excitedly) Really? So you're the baby daddy!**

_(sighs) Yes. (sternly) Not Jacob. Got it? That's why Renesmee doesn't look Indian._

**(slowly) I seeeeee.**

God Bella, I swear you're so dumb sometimes.

**Wait!**

_What?_

**If you're the father, then Aro isn't?**

_What the fuc-_

Language Edward!

_Sorry Esme. _

Good boy.

_How the heck did you get the notion that Aro is the father?!? That's just…disgusting! Freakin' nasty._

**What if Aro and you are both fathers of my baby?**

_Don't be stupid Bella._

**Then how can you be sure you're the father?**

_Because we…_

(cough)

**What?**

_(pleadingly) You don't remem.._

**What?**

_(hinting) Honeymoon!_

**Why did you just say honeymoon? That was totally off topic. **

_(slaps hand to head) Let's just get off this conversation. _

**Ok. **

You crazy kids will have to do without me. I have to warm up dinner.

_(laughing) Sure mom._

What do you want on your cup of blood, Isabella?

**Hmmm..some ranch dressing, salmon, a pinchie of salt, and…M&M's!**

(sighs) Of course.

_There's no person in the world like Bella._

You can say that again.


	12. Fanfiction

**Bella**

_Edward_

Jasper

_Iknowilovetwilightiknowilovetwilightiknowilovetwilightiknowilovetwilight_

_I was just thinking that –_

**What?! What were you thinking, Eddiepie?**

_I was thinking about –_

**About what, sweet Ed-weird?**

_Now, I was saying –_

**Whattie?**

_Lemme –_

**Yes? Speak your mind, fool!**

_Stop doing –_

**Doing what? Speak in sentences, smart one!**

Stop stealing the paper from Edward every time he tries to write something, Hell's Bells. (rolls eyes) Gosh.

**Shut up, Jazz, no one likes you.**

Shut up, Bella, everyone _hates_ you. Ha. :P

**(wipes eyes) I'm going to hang out in the washing machine and dryer room. Bye. (storms off)**

I have to go to college. Professor Bins is going to be pleased that I finished the essay 6 months early.

_Hold on!_

(stops)

_What I was trying to say all those times is about our audience._

What do you mean?

_Well, about Fanfiction. Where that person who digs in our trash posts this stuff. Are people really reading this?_

If we throw this note in the trash, then yes.

_What is Fanfiction, exactly?_

I don't know.

_Go on the computer and find out for me, ok?_

(sighs) Whatever. (walks off)

_(hums) Doo dee doop do dee doo la._

(comes back after 5 minutes) Carlisle is on the computer.

…

And he won't let me on.

_Tell him to get his lazy buttocks off the computer seat and go back to Hooters._

Fine. (depressed)

(goes to computer room and back) He won't get off the computer. Or so he says. I can't really be sure…he said, "I'm aint bein off tis copooter eny time naw. Get te 'ell a way, yoo stopid fool…"

_He's probably drunk again._

Yep. Wait. (thinks) I've got an idea. I'll bore him to sleep with my recitations of the periodical elements! Perfect! (runs off)

_(whistles) I'm So FrEaKiNG bored…asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm………_

(comes back) He's asleep! But…Bella got on the computer.

_(throws hands up) Oh my gosh! Tell her I need her._

(runs off)

_(waits)_

**HEY HEAD-WARD! Jaspie said you needed me!**

_(thinks fast) Uhh..yeah…um, how was your time in the washing machine and dryer room?_

**Excellent! The whole place is filled with bubbles! Esme will love it!**

_What?!…Urgh…I don't think Esme is going to like that…at all._

**She always said she wanted a clean house! Yeah!!! Wooh!!!!!!**

(comes back) I have the results!

_?_

Fanfiction is where people write their version of a movie, book, etc…

**Oooh! How many Fanfictions are there for Twilight, the book Stephenie Meyer released on us?!?**

(excitedly) A WHOLE lot! Thousands and thousands! Like 70,000 right now!

_Really? I guess we are the vamps of the house right now. :D  
_

(frowns) Except we're not exactly us in the Fanfictions. Bella is a plain, normal girl…

**Just like I am now!**

(snickers)…I'm not a brainiac. I'm just some unimportant brother. Edward is..well, they got you right.

_You mean they all put me in their stories as handsome, brave, and dashing?_

…uh, yeah. Alice and Emmet are spot on. But believe it or not, Carlisle is described as a rich, brave, caring, and kind doctor!

_(laughs uncontrollably) Seriously?!?_

**That's funny!**

(chuckles) Yeah. You guys know that people think our conversations are…comical?

_They kinda are._

They're probably going to read this one. They expecting it to be great just like the other notes.

_So how do we be funny?_

Ugh…

**Let's be funny!**

_Now that we really have to be funny, it's not so easy.._

**Knock, knock!**

Who's there?

**Why did the cactus insult the hungry bird?**

_Why?_

**I don't know!**

_Bella! You're suppose have the answer to the joke!_

**Oh. Whoopsee.**

…

(winks at Edward) Hahahaha!!!

_That was so funny! You are hilarious! Hee hee! How ha hee!_

(snort) Hehahehahehaheha!

**What's so funny?**

What Edward said!

**He didn't say anything.**

_(groans) Gosh darn it Bella! We were trying to trick the reader into thinking we did something very funny!_

**Well, it didn't work.**

(a crash comes from outside) What was that?

_What was it?_

(looks outside the window) Great. Just great. Emmet crashed his Jeep into the garage again.

_Tell him he's sleeping in the doghouse tonight with Jacob and Paul._

**I bought a bone for Jacob! And a leash and collar!**

Jacob's kinda human, Bella.

**Is he? Is there a return policy at Petsmart?**

_I've gotta go_.

Me too.

**That reminds me that I've got to go catch ghosts on my camcorder.**

_You go do that._

**Have a great day and thank you for shopping at Walmart!**


	13. Scary Movie

I do not own Sexy Back by JT.

**Bella**

Emmet

_Edward_

_twilightobsessedtwilightobsessedtwilightobsessedtwilightobsessedtwilightobsessed_

**Hi again, Eddie-kids.**

_Just asking..but why do we have to pass notes? We're sitting right next to each other. We could easily just...talk. :s_

**You better shut your mouth, hot stuff, unless you want to be vampified. Do you? I didn't think so.**

_Vampified?_

**You know, turned into a vampire.**

_Uhh, I'm already a vampire._

**Really? (slaps head) Totally forgot! You know, these M&M's go straight to your head. **

**Which reminds me, where are the M&M's?!? You hid them, didn't you?**

_Maybe._

**I hate you.**

_What are you talking about? The whole world loves me._

**Yeah, but you don't hide their M&M's.**

_Because they don't get hypie off them. Like you._

**What ever, blood sucka.**

**Did you enjoy the movie at the theater last night?**

_...I guess..._

**Liar!**

**You were scared! You were shivering icicles. **

Yo, yo, yo, my homies of da night. What's dis I'm hearing off my home boy Edd getting scared at some movie?

**Edward and I went to a movie last night. About vampires.**

Lemme guess. The golden eyed hottie got chicken.

**Heck yeah!**

_I had a stomach ache! I had to leave the theater!_

**Vampires don't have stomach aches! You got scared!**

OMG, Edward got creeped out by a movie about vampires, even though he is a vampire. xD Maybe the rumors begin.

_Hey, we are pretty frighting creatures. _

**And flaming HOT. Doesn't everyone agree? Give me a holla if you do. :D**

HOLLA!

_Okay, okay. But those vamps on the big screen have big, scary cloaks and sleep in coffins._ _You have to admit Hollywood has got it all wrong._

**Totally, their vamps are not even sexy!**

**I'm bringing sexy back!**

What ya talking about Bells? Sexy never left!

_Quit it, guys. There's more to life than just beauty._

Says the guys who's scared of his owns species.

_(angrily) You want to go?_

I've been wanting to go even before you were born.

**Oooh! Fight, fight, fight,fight!**

(the two men start wrestling on the ground)

**Get 'em, Emmet!**

_(muffled) Hey, you're suppose to be on my side!_

**Sorry, Drawde.**

Drawde?

**Edward backwards. Duh. Smart one. Heha.**

(stops wrestling)

_I'm tired._

Me too.

**Soo...**

_What?_

**A little snack might help you regain your precious energy...**

**...precious...**

**Hey, I sounded like Gollum that one time!**

**Anyway, sweets might be helpful...**

_(sighs) You want your M&M's?_

**YES!**

_Fine. Behind Jacob's doghouse. Go fetch._

**(crawls off) KK!**

Did you really hide the candy there?

_(smiles) Nope._

What? Then where?

_Inside of Esme's roasted pig._

You know we're eating that to tonight! And Esme is cooking it right now.

_Oh crap!!!_

And Charlie's coming over.

_Hey, what's better than melted chocolate inside of a roasted pig? We're feeding it to the plants anyway._

**EDWARD!!!**

...................................................................................................................................

A/N: Thanks to all for the reviews! Every one of them has made my day!


	14. Charlie

A/N: Wow! 76 reviews! I'm can't tell you how happy I am. :)

I HAD TO REPOST THIS BECAUSE IT DIDN'T MAKE ANY SENSE WHEN I FIRST POSTED IT (THE TRANSFER FROM MICRO. WORD TO FANFICTION WENT WRONG).

* * *

**Bella**

_Esme_

Charlie

Emmet

_Newmooniscomingout!newmooniscomingout!newmooniscomingout!newmooniscoming.._

**CHARLES!!! DADDERS!**

Hey Bells! It's nice to see you again. Remind me again, why do we have to pass notes?

**(whispers) Because…Emmet's drunken stepmother's last dying wish was for us to…pass notes because his wealthy father who didn't know he had a child was always a loud mouth and hated notes…**

…Huh?..

**What do you –CHARLES! It's sooo (!!!) great to see you!I just had to say that again! Whippee!**

…Yeeaahh.

Uh, and if you remember Bells, my name is Charlie..not Charles..and what's with Whippee? Isn't it Whoppee?

**Oh yeah.**

'Oh yeah' about what?

**Oh yeah.**

(silence)

**Let's go eat roasted pig!! Yum!**

(Bella sits at table, where Esme joins them)

_Hello Charlie! I'm glad you could join us today. How are you?_

Fine, fine. But…since I know you're sort of different from humans…can you still eat food?

_(lies) We can still eat. We're just…have you seen Spiderman? Not the third Spiderman, dear God help us all..but have you seen Spiderman? Well, we're kinda like Peter Parker..just a bit past human. Nothing else._

(swallows loudly) I see.

(Esme and Bella see Emmet crawling on the ceiling)

_OH!_

What is it?

_Nothing Charlie! Nothing at all! N-o-t-h-I-n-g! At all! There is dust where I see! Nothing but dust, I tell ya! Nothing but dust!!!!!! I TELL YA!_

**Jeez, Esme. Couldn't you have been more revealing?**

Revealing about what? (turns to look at ceiling)

_(waving arms) CHARLIE!_

(jumps down) Hey everyone! Hey Charlie, what's going down in your town?

Uhh..we're having a-a pumpkin contest tomorrow and we are going to –

I want to eat that roasted pig right now!(rubs belly)

Can I sit somewhere?

_Sure, choose any seat._

(goes to sit down but Bella smacks Charlie's buttocks)

(spits the water he's "drinking" all over the roasted pig) What the hell Bell?

**NO! Bob is sitting there! You can't take his seat, Charlie!**

Who's Bob?

**Someone you don't wanna meet.**

?

**He's a toughened out shark lord Carlisle owes money to.**

_Oh please, Bella._

Ok (shivers)…where's the doc by the way?

_Carlisle?_

Yeah.

_He's…uh…_

…Drinking his soul away at the nearest 7-11 with a bottle a whiskey he stole from some hitchhikers trekking down to Dallas.

He's not working at the hospital?!

Like I said, he's drinking his soul away at the –

I heard you! I heard you!

_Try some roasted pig, Charlie. You'll find it very delicious. :P_

Ok.

(spits out roasted pig meat) ARRGGHH! EWWW! UGOLAMOSO!!! TIKIWATCHI! MICKEYMOUSE! SAVETHEDRAMAFORYOURLAAMMAA! OHHH GOSH!!! THISISEVENMOREWORSETHANCATWOMAN! EUUGHRUP!

**OMG, he's having..what do humans have when they're like this? Hmmm. Oh, a heart attack!**

_What do we do?!? Call 911?!?_

AHHH……I'm not having…a….heart…attack…it's just that that meat taste soo awful! What did you put in it?! Arsenic?!

**Oopsie.**

_What did you do now, Bella?_

**Remember from the last note? I put the M&M's I get hypie off inside the roasted pig. You probably cooked the M&M's with the roasted pig, Esme. He Te.**

Oh gosh.

Oh.

…

…

…

You really did it this time, hell's Bells.

**Shut up. You're an ugly person.**

At least my eyes aren't the color of dirt. And my voice doesn't sound like a man. Which yours does.

**Well…you're so..**

Can't think of any more disses? I thought so.

**People of Fanfiction! I know this will end up on the internet and I know you are reading every word we're saying, so I must ask for some good disses. Just if you know some, that would be GREAT.**

Do you really have to resort to the People of Fanfiction for your disses?

**YES I DO.**

I gotta go. This is all too weird for me.

_Charlie! _

**Charles!**

Charlie, sit your a** back down at the table.

…I gotta go to that Pumpkin contest.

**You said that was tomorrow.**

(curses) 

Well..(clears throat)..I'm getting married with Sue. So I have to go home! To..help with the wedding and stuff!

**You're..**

_Getting married with Sue?!?!?!?!?_

Yeah (sheepishly)..

_Oh blah blah blah._

**I love you dad! I'm going have sibling who are secretly werewolves! Yah! (hugs Charlie)**

(rolls eyes)

_Mr. Emmet Cullen!_


	15. The Unimportant Chipmunk

A/N: Thanks for hanging in there! I know what it feels like when the story you're reading is suddenly abandoned by it's author. It sucks. But I'm not quitting. No, no, no. I've just been terribly busy. Once again I do NOT own anything for this entire story.

* * *

**Bella**

_Jacob_

Emmet

Aro

_JacobvsEdwardinNewMoonJacobvsEdwardinNewMoonJacobvsEdwardinNewMoon_

**(walking through trees) Hello?! Hello?! Eh, heh, that's right. Nobody can hear me. I'm writing. He haw. Hey, I sounded like a donkey. And I rode a donkey once at Phil's farm. Phil's farm is in Nebraska. Where Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz was. Or was it Kentucky? Kentucky has good fried chicken. But not as good as Billy Black's fish fry. I wonder what's his secret ingredient? Fish? I had a pet goldfish named Goldfish once. He died. Just like my Grandpa Rob—**

**(rustling in bushes) What is..that? (something comes out) **

**AAAHHH!!!……………………Oh, it's just a chipmunk. Silly vampire. (chipmunk squeaks and runs off)**

**(something comes out of bush, again) AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!! OHMYGOSH!  
**

_(wolf leaps out, panting,) Arruf! Woo-OoOoOoOoOoO! Ruf!_

**(sighs in relief) Jacob! What's up, dawg? **

_Grrr..Ruf! (barks)_

**I can't understand you. Speak English!**

_Ruf!_

**C-a-n y-o-u u-n-d-e-r-s-t-a-n-d-m-e?**

_Auuuwhooooooo! (howls)_

_(walks up and puts it's mouth over Bella's head)_

**What are you doin', Jakie boy? You're getting saliva all in my hair.**

_(starts to chew on Bella's arm)_

**So…um, how's Quil and Claire? Still going strong?**

_Hey Bella! _

**(looks behind her towards voice, sees a shirtless Jacob) JACOB?!?! (looks at wolf in front of her) If that's you, in your human form over there, then who is THIS?**

_(walks over and tosses wolf aside) Uh, that's a wolf, Bella. A normal wolf._

**What? I don't understand you. Speak English.**

_(scratches head) Yeah. Whatever. Hey, do you want to go to La Push and work on my Volkswagen Rabbit? It's needing some work. We can go for ice cream on the beach afterwards. _

**(winks) After that, go cliff diving? And perhaps, we can ride around on motorcycles. Just like old times.**

_(smiles secretively).. Just like old times. When we kissed, it felt like the world was…_

**…once piece. When we touched, it was like…**

_...everything would be all right. When I helped you after you slid from the motorcycle,…_

**…I couldn't imagine any sensation that felt as warm and beautiful. When I was saved from being washed away after I dived into the ocean…**

_…my only thought was you, and you only._

_(Silence. Lays hand on Bella's hand gently. Looks deep into her eyes.)_

**(Eyes travel to bare chest. Traces the contours of his abs. Touches his russet skin carefully.)**

_(Heart quickens. Brings the ice cold vampire to him. Mesmerized by the gold of her eyes.)_

**(Leans in. Braces for the kiss of her wildest dreams..)**

(bursts into clearing where Bella and Jacob are) Hey guys! What's going on here?

**(flips off fallen tree trunk she and Jacob are sitting at)Uh, wwhhaat? Wh-who is that?**

_Nothing was done! Nothing was done! I sw-swear! (stammers, standing up)_

Relax, everyone. It's Emmet. Why are you all so scared looking? You all looked like you were doing something naughty, like having a brief affair. 

_NO! _

Hey! Hey! Chill, man! I just came to tell Bella that Charlie wants to see Nessie. Why are you so offended?

_I-uh…you just scared me that's all. That's it. You just scared me..And don't you ever joke that Bella and I were having a brief affair. Because we weren't. Right, Bella? We weren't. We were talking about Barbies. Not having an affair. Definitely no. Right? Huh? HUH?!_

Ok, Jacob.Ok.

(springs into the middle of the clearing) It is the almighty…Aro. Fear me. You can run but you can't hide.

**Are you still mad over the whole hot tub thing? Because I swear it wasn't my idea.**

Aro?!?

_What the heck?_

Ah, questions, questions, questions. First of all, I'm leading my own coven now.

(raises eyebrow) Volturi kicked you out?

How did you know?!

I know.

(clears throat) I will have the most powerful coven in time. One that will dominate the world and rule it. I will be leader. I'll also be taking Forks for myself. I will defeat your coven, Cullen, and the werewolves. Then I will turn Forks into a vampire breeding ground. It shall be my evilicious plan. Eevviill. And then, when I –

Hello?

Where did everyone go?

(sighs) Ah, darn it.

(a chipmunk throws a nut at Aro's head) Who the heck threw--? (sees the chipmunk)

Hey, punk, you better quit throwing those nuts before you lose your own.

(Silence)

Do you want to be apart of my coven? (chipmunk throws another nut at Aro and runs off)

(calls after) Fine!! Be that way. (alone in forest)

This sucks.


	16. Wolf and Blanket

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any of it's characters. I do not own Snuggie.  
**

**Bella**

_Edward_

Alice

Jacob

**Edwardo!**

_What...is this Spanish class, Bells?_

**Aliceano!**

(Looks over her shoulder) Sorry, I've have no time to pass notes. 

**Jacobo! **

WtF?!?!

**It's Jacob with an 'o' at the end. **

Ok, duh, I know that. But why are you acting like a weirdo?

_Bella is always like that. (To Alice) What are you doing?_

(sigh) Paying the bills. Or more like looking them over. That twerp by the name of Carlisle isn't making any income. He's apparently hitchhiking with Aro and Caius to Las Vegas.

**Hey peoples, lookie! I'm wearing my Snuggie! (raises arms, showing off the blanket)  
**

What the hell!

**What? It's a snnuuggiiee, Jake, not a monstrous beast from the mountains.**

Oh god... My coven has a pact with the Snuggies. The Snuggies stay off our land and we stay off their farm of cotton. We're enemies.

_Jake, it's a blanket with sleeves..._

**MY SNUGGIE HAS LEOPARD PRINT ON IT!**

Shut up Bella.

**How are you enemies with a Snuggie? It's not alive. And I'm even smart enough to know _that_.**

Well, what do you think Bella?! (hysterically) The La Push pack is here for absolutely no reason now! I mean, what's the point of us being wolves?! SERIOUSLY! So we got bored! So what???

**...so you started talking with Snuggies.**

You make it sound all bad!

**It _is_ bad. Hey Jacob...(concerned), maybe you should go see a psychiatrist sometime. You know,...to straighten things out. Being a mutant dog can't be good for your mental health.**

You know what? You don't freaking understand!!!

**(pushes Snuggie towards Jacob) Touch it. It's like bunny fur.**

GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME!!! (lashes at Bella)

**Don't get all Charlie Sheen with me, mister. **

(Transforms into a wolf) (Runs, crashing into things.)

$500 dollars...$54...$230...

_What are you doing Alice?_

(Alice says, without looking up from 'paying' the bills) I'm predicting the prices of all the things Jacob is breaking at the moment_._

$435...$25...$350,000..._  
_

_Whoa! What the heck was that?!_

Your Aston Martin Vanquish.

_DAMN!_

**(gulp) So does this mean Jacob's pack is waging war against the...Snuggies?**

(reads future) Actually, no. Jacob just had a really unhealthy breakdown. And by the way, he's on the road towards being a total nutcase.

**Oh.**


	17. The Marriage Game and Insults

I do not own the Twilight Saga or any of it's characters.

**Bella**

_Edward_

Emmet

(Takes a teddy bear and pretends to spoon feed it) Ooooh, Mr. Snuggles! What a goodie good bear you ARE! Hungree, Mr. Snuggles? Why don't I –

**AH HA HA!**

(jumps back) Bella! Uh, what are you doing here!

**He HAW! Emmet still plays with his MR. SNUGGLES! HAHA!**

(turns red in the face) I wasn't playing with Mr. Snuggles! I swear!

**Yes, you DID.**

No, I DIDN'T. 

**Did too.**

Did not.

**Did too, 2.**

Bella, don't you have anything better to do? Like make out with that boyfriend rock of yours?

_(comes in) Hey guys. _

**Hey Eddie-weird! You see Eclipse yet?**

_Yeah, and I hated it. I really do NOT put that much gel in my hair. Oh, and that fact that Jacob had his shirt off every ten seconds._

**xD**…**Jacob was hawt.**

!

_Excuse me?_

**But Bob's sexier.**

Let me go gag now.

**Heyiiie! I gottie a goodie idea!**

WHAT?

**Let's play the marriage game!**

_The…what?_

**Our readers have to vote on who should get married to who!**

Ok…

**But! But! But! The readers are going to narrow the choices down to a couple of people (Three to be exact!)**

_Bella, this sounds ridiculous. _

**At least it doesn't look ridiculous as you in the sunlight. Anywho, the catch in my little game is that…whoever the readers choose, we HAVE to get married to! Like for reeeaaaallll.**

Are you drunk on blood Bella? I'm already married to Rosalie!

**Well, let's face it: Rosalie is a B, and you desperately want to get to get in a divorce with her. You know you want to Emmet. **

No, I don't. 

**Emmie, Emmie, Emmie…sometimes in life, we don't know how to express how we really feel. **

Who are you, Doctor Phil?

**Actually, I was thinking more of the lines of Jerry Springer.**

Your face looks like Jerry Springer. 

**Your mom looks like Jerry Springer. **

Your momma is so fat, she lives in 2 zip codes.

**Oh yeah?**

Oh yeah.

**Well, your momma so ugly, she scared the chupacabra out of it's skin.**

Uh HUH?

**Uh huh.**

Your momma so scary, the girl from the Ring went back in the well.

_OHHHHH!_

**Your momma so fat that when she walked by the sun, she blocked it out for a day.**

_Burn!_

(thinking) Yo boyfriend so sparkly, the Kay jewelry store called dibs on him!

_Really funny Emmet. Not._

(Emmet pushes Edward to the floor) Say what?

**FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!**

_You better watch out, boy._

**Jerrrry! Jerrrry! Jerrrry!**

**Oh yeah and by the way, vote! (Bob is included! And Jessica, and Mike! Not to mention the dogs from Lala Pushie! And keep in mind that my dad needs a woman in his life!)**


	18. Smart Boy

A/N: Thank you all for the reviews! Don't worry - another round of Who's Hot and Not is to come, including a brand new round of the marriage game. I thinking another emoticon battle is to ensue.

UPDATE: Document Manager deleted some of my sentences so I apologize if the jokes didn't make any sense.

_Edward_

Jasper

Vampiresrock!Vampiresrock!Vampiresrock!Vampiresrock!VampiresRock!

_Hey Jasper, brother, you see Eclipse?_

No Edward. I do not have time for movies. Harvard is calling. 

_You know you have to take time off from school. It can't be good for your mental health._

(raises hand) I am building a rocket ship in the basement. Do not interrupt me again Edward Mason. Hippopoto-monstroses-quipedaliophobia  !

_Did you just say that to sound smart?_

Unlike you, dumb A-S-S, that word is defined as a "fear of long words." Quote Wikipedia.

_No comment._

Hippie M. "Vampires and Notes." _Fanfiction_. Me, 14 Jan. 1901. Web. 30 July 2010. .

_You just had to put a biography, didn't you?_

BIBLIOGRAPHY, smart one. I see your 20 years at Yale didn't pay off, hmmm?

_If you're so smart, what is the definition of lady gaga?_

What? (confused) Lady Gaga?

_Yes._

(stumped) A sort of exotic animal?

_Nope._

An ancient bride of King Henry the 15th of England who lived from 1492 to 1553 AD.

_Uhhh…No._

I know! A human pop vocalist with fashion stranger than myself. (walks away)

_(stunned) That's it. I'm signing you up for Jeopardy._


End file.
